This is a rather sensitive subject, and I debated mentally as to whether I should write about this. I guess the reason I decided to share this is because I need to get it all out. To use a simple statement, I’m lonely. I had a great group of girlfriends in high school, but college came for all of us, and we separated. I haven’t really made any close friends in college yet because I live at home and commute to school. I understand that living in the dorm would improve my chances of greater friendships, but there is a reason why I haven’t begun this yet. I’m really trying to deal with my anxiety and depression. I fear living separately from my family could exacerbate it. It’s not just general anxiety either. I’ve sat on way too many therapeutic couches than any twenty year old should. I’m on a pretty heavy regimen of antidepressants and anxiety-calming medicines. Again, I don’t think a normal twenty year old should have to take such things. But, there’s really no point in complaining because that’s the way it is right now. What if my roommate/suite-mates realized the baggage I carry? I’m afraid they may judge me unfairly because we humans can be pretty judgmental while simultaneously blinding ourselves to the fact that everyone has baggage of some sort. I know this because I’ve judged unfairly in this way. All this to say that I wish I had a close group of friends to really confide in, including my being single.
Being single never really bothered me until around two years ago, when I went on my first cruise. They had all these dance events, but I had no partner. It saddened me because I saw all these couples dancing happily together. It seemed to accentuate the fact that I didn’t have anyone. I think if someone had been available to dance with, the fact that I wasn’t “coupled-up” would have sailed right over my head. The fact that I actually had to sit out and just listen to the music, a rather painful experience, when I could have been dancing kind of brought the message home. You’re alone. Today, the feeling is still pretty much the same. I’m not so much looking for a man to be romantic with, as much as I am looking for a man who I could be good friends with that wants to dance with me regularly. Heck, I’d even be willing to settle for an exclusive two-stepper, which is saying something because I really don’t like Two-step. That doesn’t mean I’m ruling out the possibility of a boyfriend entirely. In fact, that’s probably been one of the most frequent thoughts in my head as of late. Until then, I’ll happily settle for good friendship and dancing that doesn’t involve a business contract or social contract of some sort (i.e. someone other than my teachers, or someone that’s already in a relationship).
Now that the negativity is out of the system, I can report that ballroom has helped with my pain. I get to dance with wonderful people three times a week, all of which accept me for who I am as a person and dancer. It gives me great joy. So much so that I can be having the stinkiest day ever and dancing will completely turn it around. It’s hard to explain, but dancing makes me feel special. It’s probably the only place, besides my home, where I can really be me. I also love the wonderful, non-erotic intimacy that dance gives, too. Someday, I’ll find the one for me, but until then, my heart belongs to dance, hobby-wise, of course.