The Sequel: What the Heck Am I Doing?!


Have you ever had one of those moments?  The world seems to crystallize, and like a beam of light upon your consciousness, a revelation.  What the heck I am doing?!  Grrr!  I apologize.  I’m rather angry at the moment, but for the sake of a tolerable post, I’ll try not to vent.  After all, purely venting would be exhausting for the reader, and it’s all about the readers here.

*Takes deep breath*  Okay, here’s the deal: change is a good thing.  It makes one a more well-rounded person.  But, change really, really, stinks sometimes, even though it’s going to be all right when everything is all said and done.  Long story short, Adrian decided on a rotation between Alex and him.  My logical side acknowledges the benefit of different teachers, but my emotional, irrational side shouts, “What?!  I’m just a newbie here, and you’re switching on me?!  I barely got used to your style and now I need to get used to someone else?!”  Being an adult, the shouting was all internal, but I’m not going to lie: I’m frustrated.  Really frustrated.

It all seems to be a bit too much.  I already struggle with self-confidence, and it’s even harder when I have to put my big girl bra on, and work up the courage to come to classes each Wednesday with the knowledge that I’m late, really late.  It hurts.  But, I haven’t let it get to me.  Until now, I guess.  Now, I feel my resolve start to crack and crumble.  It isn’t so much the change that’s wearing me down.  While it certainly is a contributor, it’s the announcement Alex made after class.  There was no class next week.  I understand the teachers need a vacation.  My mother’s a former teacher, and I completely understand how stressful teaching can get.  But, inside, the bratty kid isn’t having any of it.  She’s throwing a veritable temper tantrum right now exclaiming how in the world is she supposed to get better when classes are not as consistent as she wants them to be.  Plus, she only goes once a week anyway.  Shut up.  It’s time for the adult to take over.

*Sigh* Right now, this adult is at a complete loss.  Alex, in addition to announcing class wouldn’t be next Wednesday, said that the adult class may be over for a while.  It’s summer, and during the summer all the little kids take classes in the morning.  There goes my 9:15 spot.  I started ballet with the resolve to reach my highest potential as a dancer, and to fall in love with it as well.  That has yet to happen, but I was determined to keep trucking through all the sweat and tears.  But, it looks like I’ll have to pull into the truck stop for a while with another forced hiatus.  I don’t get what’s going on.  If the dance gods existed, I’m probably being punished right now.  Honestly, I’m stuck.

Sure, I could talk to Mom about the whole situation, but I know what she’d say.  She’d say, “Why not just take summer classes?”  Two words: Little kids.  Since I’m not a mother, I don’t have that unconditional love and tolerance for their ignorant jabs at my age.   Plus, I learn best with other adults anyway.  Yeah, guess I’m not as resolved to reach that potential as I used to be, huh?  If I had the grit, I’d march in there, and take that class despite the little ones.  Too bad the grit disappeared today.  The general conclusion is as follows: If I don’t take any more classes this summer, fine.  I can always catch up during the school year.  It’s do-or-die time for ballet, and I’m asking ya’ll for support here.  Thanks a bunch.

Desperately-hanging-on-Alaina

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